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Another Guide To Surviving the Great Recession

So you forgot your girlfriend's birthday. Doesn't she know there's a recession on?

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Anxious over the world economy?

Recently, there has been a lot of anxiety over the prospects for the world economy, largely due to the collapse in the Sub prime market. This apprehension is understandable, but largely misplaced, and can be remedied with a little information and a change in attitude.

For those of you who do not know, Sub prime is a cut of beef that is just below “Grade-A Prime” and above “Cafeteria Lunch Stroganoff”. Apparently, a large number of banks invested in the Sub prime meat market using CDOs, or Collateralized Deli Obligations – this turned out to be a problem when the beef was revealed to be not actual beef, but highly processed marshmallow fluff cleverly dyed to look like real meat.

This is understandable, since bankers only get paid, like, a quadrillion dollars a year, so why would they have to follow the basic tenets of responsible lending?

Anyway, amidst the consternation, most people fail to recognize that recessions are actually pretty awesome.

Simply put, when you’re in the middle of a recession, you get to blame all your personal problems on the recession. It’s like you have an instant excuse for everything that’s miserable in your life.

For example, if you can’t get a job, it’s not because you’re an unemployable schmuck. Obviously, it’s the result of the collapse in consumer spending. If you don’t pay your credit card bills on time, it’s not because you’re an irresponsible loser who thought that buying an air hockey table for your studio apartment would “pay for itself” – no, clearly it’s a result of tightening liquidity in the credit markets.

From failing marriages to disruptive children, there’s little you can’t blame on the current recession. Forgot to buy milk at the store? No you didn’t… you couldn’t, there’s a recession going on here! Didn’t wash your clothes for the third weekend in a row? With the recession, who can afford to do laundry?

People have used economic woes as an excuse to do pretty much anything for hundreds of years. Did you know that the Spanish Inquisition was actually a result of an economic depression on the Iberian Peninsula due to a collapse in the price of gold bullion? Of course you didn’t, because I just made that up right now – but it sounds like a reasonable excuse. Now take that logic, and apply it to everyday life.

So, just remember, as you spend the next 12 months eating cold chili while watching TV in your underwear, it’s not your fault that your life has completely fallen apart. Obviously, there’s a recession going on.

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Comments

27 August 2009

totally agree with you.

McDonald's net income increases by 3.5% - blame the recession.
Apple profits increases by 15% - blame the recession.
Uniqlo, Wal-Mart, etc sales increases - blame the recession.
Me typing this comment during work - blame the recession.

Anonymous

26 August 2009

Be warned, we will delete obscene comments

bbadmin

i mean cold chili, whilst wearing my underwear

Anonymous

cold chili in my underwear sounds pretty good to me

Anonymous

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By Ian Priest

24/08/2009

Tags:

News & Features
Kellogg School of Management
Surviving the recession
Recession

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