‘Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.’ Emily Brontë

So the greatest love stories ever written will tell you. But reality is at odds with the ideals of what we would like to have in our relationships. We seem to have lost our way when it comes to finding greatness in our partnerships; all too often, our ‘Happy Ending’ is anything but:

A couple of weeks ago I read an article talking about Justice Coleridge’s views on the damage caused by marital breakdown.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/jun/17/divorce-epidemic-judge-warning

‘Marriage must be re-established as the ‘gold standard’ for relationships to halt an ‘epidemic’ of family breakdown which is overwhelming the family courts.’ Justice Coleridge

That got me thinking. Can marriage be the ‘gold-standard’? Should contractually bound relationships where a legal as well as emotional commitment is made, aspire to a higher standard of partnership? Is that realistic? Is it even possible, let alone sustainable?

Do we understand what a ‘gold-standard’ relationship even looks like? Or do we get caught up in the ‘will you marry me’ romance and ‘happy ever after’ wishful wedding thinking without appreciating the investment that’s required of each other? Is being drunk on love a good place to start a joint venture which we hope will return a greater yield in lifelong happiness than we would achieve as individuals? Is ‘hope’ a sound investment strategy in the first place?

Well I thought I’d pose the question to folk in Brighton, their answer’s in five videos on the Vodpod section of the blog. Here’s a word cloud from the transcripts, the larger the word the more frequently it appeared in the answers to the question;

“Is marriage the Gold-Standard for relationships?” www.wordle. net



Clearly marriage, love and relationships are as nebulous as clouds; word or otherwise. My heart believes in gold, my head knows that sadly there are marriages (and relationships in general) which can fail, be damaging and soul destroying. One thing was clear from the interviews; people don’t enter into marriage lightly. They carry with them an ideal of union; the hopes and dreams of being the best they could ever be together, for ‘eternity’, or as close as two people who love each other can be.

‘I want an all time love, ’Cos nothing else is good enough, I want an all time love to find me’ Will Young; All Time Love

I was moved by the honesty, but also a little deflated. I’m a realistic romantic, I do deeply believe in love but even I begin to question whether the pursuit of love in marriage is a valid expectation. Love wains, disappoints and ultimately limits our choices it would seem.

Perhaps personal freedom and happiness is too high a price to pay?

Well before you give up …. I think I discovered it!

I glimpsed what must be the gold standard of marriage!

Recently, I was invited by a Barrister, his wife and son to join them and party of guests at Cartier Polo for the day. I’d never been to the Polo and whilst I’m not really a sporting gal, they were a nice couple and I thought it would be fun to dress up, sip Pimms, meet some interesting people and have what I expected, would be a lovely day. Well it was, but not in the way I expected.

I didn’t know the Barrister and his wife very well. I’d been invited to their Christmas party once, it was a lovely evening, but that was only a few hours and I’d spent most of it talking to others as they were being hosts. They’re a very capable pair: both highly educated intelligent lawyers, double-barrelled names which I’m sure put them ‘in the right circles’. They’ve been married for a good few years with young child and another on the way, a big house in London and luxury car to boot;  clearly a successful couple, by most standards.

But I hadn’t realised just how ‘wealthy‘ they were. I’m not talking materialistically; yes they had clearly worked hard and done well for themselves, but I was used to seeing that. I’d worked in the City and networked with people who had ‘made it’ and had the markers to prove it. But often there would rarely be anything beyond the obvious in the energy and attitude to life; just ordinary people who happened to have money. Not this couple, they seemed to have something else going for them that gave them a whole other level of success:

What you noticed about this couple wasn’t just how well they dressed or the places they got invited to; it was their emotional wealth….. I know sounds a bit much, but it’s true. They weren’t just ‘nice people’ they were ‘loving people’.

They were loving to each other, their son, their friends, guests and acquaintances, so much so that after an hour with them you felt like a ‘much loved part of the family’. It wasn’t being charismatic, it was the way they invested in their relationships, all of them – they cared and connected in a way that was authentic. It was truly special.

From picking me and another guest up en-route in Knightsbridge, they were genuinely warm, ‘present’, thoughtful, considerate, caring, funny and intellectually sharp. They had this natural quite confidence in themselves and each other, they flowed together; a true partnership. Not necessarily agreeing at every turn, but nonetheless completely in sync. No awkward silences; that tense ‘married banter’ that so often seeps in, the barely disguised criticism and frustration that makes everyone feel uncomfortable.

No, this couple were relaxed and loving with each other and with others. They took time to make sure everyone was taken care of, without ever being intrusive or fussy. They invited you to join them when groups dispersed, took pictures, remembered things, asked people what was important to them and listened!

They really listened; to their guests, to each other and to their son who was an exceptionally bright, high energy 8 year old – impeccably behaved, probably because he was used to being loved and respected. I could give other examples, but there were too many moments and incidents to mention that contributed this sense of ‘special’, but I supposed it could be summed up as:

The ability to make people around you feel valued, connected and cared for; loved.

The energy between them was generous; they gave each other space to ‘be’ yet effortlessly looked out for the other without being in each other’s pockets. It was lovely to see, admirable even, but most of all it was comforting and reassuring to know the gold standard does exist. It exists in bucket loads; it come from real love not just the ‘falling-in-love’ kind but the happy confident love from years of investment, which they draw on whenever they need. It was natural for them to be generous with their regard because they had built the equivalent of gold bullion in their marriage. For them it wasn’t how long they’d been together, it’s what they’d managed to create; deep happiness and contentment;

ladies and gentlemen I present the gold-standard.

I have purposely not given their names, but I hope to invite them to interview for Lovephool once their next addition has joined the family so they can share their ‘investment strategy secrets’ with you directly. But I suspect, it comes from genuinely being able to love and wanting to create a relationship that means more than ‘a piece of paper’.

How about adopting a 'loving mindset' in business?

Well I read a really interesting book about 'Love Leadership' by one of Obama's guys: John Hope Bryant. He challenges command and control fear based leadership which he blames for the credit crunch and corporate malfunction. It's time for a new honesty perhaps, we don't want charismatic leaders, we need leaders who have a deep sense of love and able to develop compassionate relationship with stakeholders. Whether it's customers, suppliers, shareholders or the wider environment; the gold standard of relationships requires trust and integrity, which ultimately has love at its core.

 http://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Leadership-Lead-Fear-Based-World/dp/0470428783 

As for my golden couple, I’d like to thank you for my special day at the Polo …. oh and dressing up and seeing the horses was fun too!

For the original article and links to video content:

http://lovephool.wordpress.com/2010/08/01/the-relationship-gold-standard-it-actually-exists-ive-seen-it/